I swear This Time I Mean It
by rachel-chanx3
Summary: [Nezumi x Shion] The sad thing about meeting people is the inevitable departure. "He takes in a deep breath. And then another. And then with a tight grip and a lot of force, he screams." A storm tempts Shion again, like all those years ago.


With a soft sigh, Shion pushes himself away from his desk. His chair glides backwards effortlessly and large monitors of endless codes and data and just generally too much information stare back at him.

Sometimes the work was overwhelming but it had to be done. He wouldn't let it happen again – it couldn't. He realizes he has responsibilities and obligations and more than anything, he realizes that he must fulfil these duties until the end. If he didn't, everything would be for nought and revert back to its dystopic ways.

He unconsciously brings his fingertips to his lips, brushing along them lightly. His head is downcast and his eyes lower in a musing sort of way, and it was all too evident what's on his mind, what's nearly always on his mind.

But it's been skirting around the edges of his thoughts more so lately, Shion notes, perhaps even too much. Now, it was like he wasn't able to separate the past, specifically _him_,from everything else that was current.

Who?

Nezumi, of course.

It was like Nezumi continuously shadowed his life, faintly, but regardless, his presence was always there. Or rather, it was like Shion was stuck in the past.

It's a horribly morbid thing to say, but it was a much better time, Shion decides. There was an unknown war going on between the people and the city of No.6, there were countless amounts of starving people in the Western District, and of course, there were the parasitic bees poised to kill at any given moment. However, despite these circumstances, Shion felt more at ease then simply because Nezumi was there.

A tangible Nezumi that Shion could touch, not just elusive traces of memories he couldn't grasp.

Though Nezumi's always been elusive, Shion thinks.

Four years.

It's been four years since he and Nezumi last parted at the broken wall between No.6 and the Western District. It's been an entire four years since Shion has last seen him.

The purpose of taking down the barriers was to unite the people. It wasn't supposed to mean departure. It was supposed to allow them to be together. It was ironic how this ideal third option that Shion came up with and spoke fervently about only made Nezumi leave. He had said that nothing was truly black or white, love or hate, inside or outside the wall and to this day, Shion hasn't the faintest clue if he changed Nezumi's perspective.

And Shion had questions of course, so many questions.

Where was Nezumi?

Who was he with?

What was he doing?

Why did he leave?

When was he coming back?

...And what was the point of tearing down the wall if they couldn't stay together?

Just before they had said their goodbyes, Nezumi kissed Shion gently, so gently, he thought he would break out crying right then and there. Instead, he managed a little smile because if nothing else, he wanted Nezumi to remember him smiling. And almost immediately after, Nezumi vanished into a passing gust of wind without another word.

He really did want to cry.

It would have been futile for Shion to look for Nezumi, and he recognizes this. Nezumi was never one to play the damsel in distress. If Nezumi wanted to be found, he would have revealed himself. So Shion waited. He so patiently waited everyday for Nezumi to suddenly show up, to find a clever way to communicate and stun him (because Nezumi liked to be witty), to return to Shion in person and not just in fragments of memories. He had waited and waited and waited.

It wasn't easy. The first few nights were downright horrible. Uneasiness had swelled up in his chest and ate away at his entire being. He remembered longing, yearning, want, desire, and this terrible, terrible feeling of loving someone so much but not being able to have them, this feeling of loneliness that seemed to reach all the way down to his bones and infect his entire body.

Hell, it still wasn't easy. All the emotions he felt four years ago were still here, just in the form of a dull ache rather than a searing pain.

Shion submerged himself in work – reconstructing No.6 took quite a bit of time, but despite his doubts, he knew that he _had _to do something about the parasite city. His conscience wouldn't allow him not to. And for the most part, things were getting better, maybe a bit slowly but regardless, they were getting better. They had to be, they just couldn't _not _begetting better... four years was a long time. Four years couldn't have passed without anything changing.

This is actually a bit like unrequited love, Shion smiles to himself, which is odd because he's pretty sure it's not unrequited at all.

Nezumi _did_ kiss him.

Shion stretches and cracks his knuckles, a bad habit he's been getting into lately but he can't help it. He feels anxious, restless, agitated and he's not entirely sure why. There's this tension in his body that he doesn't know how to release. If Safu was still here, he would have asked her about it – she did major in the workings of the brain. But she wasn't, and there was nothing he could do about it.

A walk, Shion thinks, a walk would do him good. He would go and visit Inukashi and Natsuki and everything would be fine, just fine.

He pushes himself off the chair and walks out the door of his office, switching the lights off as he leaves.

His steps echo down the empty hallway as he shrugs off his white lab coat.

"Good afternoon, Shion. Going somewhere?" the pretty receptionist asks he walks through the foyer.

He stops because he's too friendly to ignore her and rests his arm on the desk, she smiles. "I guess so."

"You might want to wear a light coat," she suggests, wrapping a blond curl around her finger, "It's autumn, it can get a bit chilly."

Shion hums thoughtfully. "Yeah, thanks, I'll..."

He furrows his brows.

_Eek, eek. _

A moment of silence passes and Shion strains his ears. Did he hear correctly...?

_Eek, eek._

The receptionist blinks at his abrupt silence with confusion, "Shion?"

"I... I just thought I heard something –"

A shriek interrupts him.

"A rat!" she cries.

And surely, Shion's eyes widen when a small white-grey mouse scurries past his feet and disappears. "Cravat–?"

"Shion–"

"Nezumi–"

"Do something–"

"Nezumi!"

Before he can stop himself, he sprints after the small rat, fuelled entirely on pure impulse. He follows it out the double glass doors and around the side of the building and stares out into the empty space and trees, but it's too late. It's gone.

Shion lets out a breath as he falls limp against the newly constructed Moondrop, sliding down until he's crouching. The cool building feels soothing against his back. He stares at the ground and wills his racing heart to calm down.

Nezumi... was it Nezumi?

A million thoughts spin in his head and he's dizzy from trying to keep up with them. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to just take everything in.

_Get a grip, Shion. Calm down. You're twenty already, you can't keep acting so rashly. _

But of course, that always happened. Nezumi always drew out the most emotion from him, and not to get confused, he was really grateful for that, but sometimes, sometimes emotions sucked. They fluttered around his chest and felt entirely foreign to him. Sometimes, they hurt unbearably. It wasn't as simple as a wound either, he couldn't just stitch it up.

"Agh," Shion groans as grabs at his chest, but it doesn't make the pain go away.

Whether he was a calm and collected twenty year old, a passionate and naive sixteen year old, or a curious twelve year old, it was always the same. Nezumi blew like a violent wind, stirring up the calm leaves.

"Nezumi," Shion says quietly, "Stop doing this to me."

x

"Oh, Shion, what brings you here?" Inukashi asks and raises an eyebrow. She puts down the comb she was previously brushing a dog with and directs her attention to the person who has just strode through the doors of her work and home.

After the wall was broken down, Inukashi had converted her hotel business into a dog breeding one. Surprisingly, the business did very well and many customers came to purchase pets or guards from her. She still did information collecting jobs, but that was less known. Shion popped by every once in a while.

"Uncle!" A little boy runs up to and hugs Shion's leg tightly causing a wide grin to break out onto both of their faces immediately, "Uncle!"

"Wow, Natsuki, you've gotten quite big, haven't you?" says Shion as he pats the boy's head, and then distractedly, "No reason, really. Just visiting. You've been taking good care of him, right?"

"Of course I have!" Inukashi says indignantly, "I've been raising the brat for four years, you know."

Shion ruffles Natsuki's hair, "I know, I know – sorry, stupid question. You still took him in after everything. Thanks."

"It wasn't my choice; the dog had already gotten attached to it. And it's not like you could have raised him properly, anyways. Man, you were such a troublesome kid," Inukashi smirks, "You would have been a child raising a child."

"But I've matured since then, Inukashi. Don't you think so?"

"You've grown up _a bit_," Inukashi admits almost grudgingly.

Shion chuckles lightly, "A lot of it is thanks to you, Rikiga and Nezumi, though. I was just this oblivious little boy with white hair and large eyes that has never seen anything. I've learned so much since we met."

Inukashi's face softens slightly before she blows part of her bangs out of her face and smirks, "Oh? I'd say you still have some of that oblivious little boy left in you."

"Uncle, play with me!" Natsuki demands cutely, grabbing a fistful of Shion's pants and tugging.

"Alright, alright," Shion agrees, "Give me a moment, okay?"

Natsuki pouts impatiently but doesn't say anything else.

"So, Shion, any sign of Nezumi?" Inukashi asks somberly, which, Shion decides, is very, very unusual. Inukashi seemed to be watching out for him or something, because never once in the last four years has she uttered his name around him. He didn't even need to explain to her that Nezumi was gone, she instinctively knew.

"I think I saw one of his rats earlier today," Shion blurts before he can realize it and a silence that's more than just slightly awkward follows. "But it could have just been any rodent. I've been too worked up lately."

Come to think of it, he never actually did speak to anyone about Nezumi openly anymore and in return, nobody brought him up either.

"His rat, huh?" she repeats.

"Why did you ask all of a sudden?"

Inukashi hesitates for a moment, "My dogs have been kind of worked up too, they can sense something."

"Something? And they think it's Nezumi?"

"...I can sense something, too," she mutters lowly under her breath, but even so, Shion catches it.

"Uncle! Play with me!"

Shion's eyes flicker to Inukashi, but she doesn't further explain and resumes brushing her dog as normal. Shion decides not to press any further and allows the conversation to drop.

"Sure, Natsuki. Let's play."

x

Shion isn't able to fall asleep that night.

There's a storm. All of his coworkers were talking about it as they rushed home. _Better take the laundry inside, better close all the windows, better_ –

Thunder sounds from above and it sparks electricity in Shion's body. He feels so restless and checking his clock doesn't help, even though he's done it a million times. The analog numbers seem to be stuck at some hazy time around 2:00 AM. He can't help but think about Nezumi and his conversation with Inukashi and why, why was he so excited without a reason?

He throws his sheets off and walks over to the large glass doors before his balcony. Rain angrily taps against it, void of its normally sweet and melodic rhythms. Instead, it came all at once dissonantly.

Shion fingers the handles to the doors, half at war with himself.

No, he would not open it.

No, he would not go into the balcony.

No, it would not serve any purpose but to create a mess he would have to clean up later.

But then a little voice cries _yes, for God's sake, just do it._

It would help me relieve this tension, Shion argues. Just... just for a second.

And that's all the incentive he needs before the glass doors are thrown open.

Rain violently blows in.

It's loud.

He can't hear anything but the rain.

The wonderful rain.

It soaks clothes and runs down his skin pleasantly.

He feels numb yet he feels everything at the same time.

It's dark and he's blinded by the night, but he fumbles around and takes clumsy steps until he finds a comfortable hold on the railing.

He takes in a deep breath.

And then another.

And then with a tight grip and a lot of force, he screams.

[If luck is on my side tonight, my clumsy tongue will get it right.]

He's screaming at nothing and his voice gets lost in the storm. Or maybe it harmonized, he wasn't sure.

Eventually the scream dies off and leaves his throat feeling raw.

...what was he doing?

With a defeated spirit, Shion retreats back into his room and shuts the doors firmly behind him.

This was a stupid idea.

As he fastens the lock, he hears a laugh as clear as crystal through the storm.

"That's cute," a voice teases, "This scenario is strikingly familiar, though."

Shion's head snaps up.

Leaning against a wall was Nezumi.

Shion's legs are wobbling and he doesn't know how he has the strength to support himself. He just stares and Nezumi, soaking up his form, and Nezumi stares back.

Sharp eyes, long bangs – perhaps he grew a bit taller and had a more mature air about him, but Nezumi was still Nezumi.

Shion blinks, unable to entirely believe the sight before him.

"Where –" is all he can start before Nezumi interrupts by quickly pressing his lips onto Shion's.

Despite the fact he was able to see the intent behind Nezumi's kiss, Shion couldn't find the power to argue or pry the man off him. Instead, he just let himself to melt into the warmth.

Nezumi pulls away much too quickly for Shion's taste but allows his lips to ghost just above Shion's half open mouth. The unspoken words seemed to have escape. Nezumi leans forward slightly before pulling back teasingly. This frustrates Shion and he knows it. Nezumi grins coyly and tenderly places another soft kiss off to the side of his mouth, barely a millimetre from his lips.

"You missed," Shion whispers, his voice just a step above inaudible. He cups Nezumi's face in his hands, despite Nezumi's height advantage, and kisses him properly.

Nezumi smiles into the kiss. Shion never did like to lose dominance, but to be fair, neither did he.

It's a blurry daze of movement. He swiftly knocks Shion to the ground and holds both of Shion's hands above his head.

There was kissing – kissing everywhere. There kisses and nibbles and affectionate bites along his jaw, his neck, his collarbone. Shion tangles his fingers in Nezumi's hair and tugs slightly when Nezumi sucks at _that _spot on Shion's neck that Shion never even knew existed. He nips along Shion's collarbone hard enough to leave a pink reminder and he steadies Shion's squirmy hips with his hands.

[And wrists that touch, it isn't much, but it's enough.]

Nezumi pulls Shion's shirt over his head with haste and continues his attack.

His thumbs rub circles along Shion's stomach.

"Nezumi," Shion says breathily, "My bed... is right there!"

"And?" Nezumi plants another love bite on his deliciously pale body.

"We're getting the floors wet!"

"I don't particularly care."

Shion pauses and then gives a light laugh, finally surrendering, "To be honest, neither do I."

"Shit," Nezumi curses under his breath. He tugs at Shion's soaked pajama bottoms, barely managing to pull them down an inch, "What an inconvenience wet clothes are."

"No rush," the albino smiles as he wraps his arms around the other's back as he kicks off the remainder of his soaked pyjamas, "We have time."

Nezumi drops slight and presses their hips together, eliciting moans.

[Forget your scars, we'll forget mine.]

"Nezumi," Shion breathes, "Nezumi, Nezumi, Nezumi."

There's an expression he never quite understood until now – distance makes the heart grow fonder.

But now he could vaguely make out the meaning behind the confusing words. The world requires balance. To experience true happiness, one must know sadness. And Shion stands divided in between, he's not sure what exactly he feels, but there's a lot of it, and he swears it's threatening to jump out of his chest at any moment.

His body's on fire. He feels electric. He's not sure how, but Nezumi's doing all the right things.

He thinks Nezumi feels the same when he hears a low growl.

[The hours change so fast, oh God, please make this last.]

The two lie together in a mess of rumpled sheets and tangled legs, staring openly at each other. They still lay on the floor of Shion's apartment. The storm has long subsided and cool, refreshing air wafts in from the window. It smells of rain.

"Nezumi?" Shion whispers.

"Yeah?" replies Nezumi, with that never-changing penetrating gaze of his.

"I can't sleep."

"And why is that?"

Their eyes search each other.

"I'm scared."

Nezumi presses his lips together because he's fairly certain of the answer, but he asks anyways, "Scared of what?"

"I'm scared that you won't be here when I wake up," Shion states.

How bluntly Shion can say it surprises Nezumi. His straight-forward feelings and speech always have.

"If... if you left me again, I don't think I would be able to handle it. I think I might die – it hurts too much."

Nezumi rakes Shion's hair in reassurance, brushing damp tresses back, but doesn't offer any words.

"Nezumi, where did you go? What did you do? Why–"

Before he can ask anything else, Nezumi grabs Shion's hand with a slight roughness and holds it against his chest.

"Shion, what do you feel?"

"Your heart beat," Shion says dully, "Not very original, are you? You've done this before."

"Oh? You remember?" Nezumi asks with a subtle look of amusement.

"Of course, I remember. It's not like I could forget anything about you."

This causes Nezumi to chuckle.

"Why this again? Think your cheesy lines will work a second time?"

"It's because you still don't understand, stupid," Nezumi sighs, "I'm alive. I'm here right now. I'm human, only human. I can't predict the future, Shion. I don't know when we'll have to separate again, but I promise I won't hurt you. Can you just treasure this moment now? Isn't that good enough?"

Everything Nezumi said always held some truth to it. While what he said was meant to be sweet and comforting, Shion could also feel the sadness that loomed over the words. They may have to depart again at some point, but he hoped it wouldn't be for a long, long time.

Shion contemplates the weight of Nezumi's reply for a minute, "Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is."

Nezumi kisses Shion gently, so gently, Shion almost wants to cry.

[And I won't let you down, I swear this time I mean it.]

Shion pulls him closer, closer – it seemed like they wouldn't ever be close enough, despite Nezumi's weight pressed against him, despite their clutching arms, despite the fact they were right there together, sharing the very same moment and air as each other.

And as he closes his eyes, Shion thinks...

Yeah, maybe... Maybe this was enough.

* * *

**Author's Note: **This was supposed to be really nostalgic and sort of bittersweet, with a heavy focus on love/want/longing. I wonder if that was conveyed.

The song is I Swear This Time I Mean It by Mayday Parade. I just love the lyrics, agh.

Comments are appreciated! (:


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